Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish there were birth control emojis
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
