my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
