Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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