my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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