Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
