the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you win again, gameday.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
