Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
