You just made me feel so damn special
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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