My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
