I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
