I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
where does the pee come out of this thing
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
