Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
