I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
