I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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