I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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