I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
