So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
