after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
