you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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