i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
