Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
