On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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