so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
