dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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