i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
