new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
