she woke up with a sticky ear
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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