i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You are a genius and a whore.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
