I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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