i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
