I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
