Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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