So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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