I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
