I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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