im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
