I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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