my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
