I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
