i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
