I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
