wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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