Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize