Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
