you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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