I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
