Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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