I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
