im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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