I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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