I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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