I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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