i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
