I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
