Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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