I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
