never play flip cup with pint glasses
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
