If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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