Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
