I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
